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Pregnancy test

So when you’re in the throes of all the joys of what is female midlife, your hormones sometime like to throw a little extra “Ha, ha, watch THIS” your way. It looks something like - “Let’s have a period every two weeks!” Or “Let’s have a period for two weeks straight!” And finally - “Well that didn’t send her over the edge, so let’s not have one at ALL for about 38 days and watch her ass drive 90 miles an hour to the Walgreens and buy pregnancy tests in a panic!”

Because you know, it’s not bad enough to feel completely INSANE on the daily, have weight gain overnight, constantly be frantically searching for reading glasses and tweezers, AND let’s not forget the newfound need for Poise pads to be in stock…… let’s watch this crazy lady hobble down to the pharmacy with her hip and ankle bursitis and see if we can completely bring her to her arthritic knees!

I always imagine my hormones to look like those weird cartoon germs you see in cold

medicine commercials - green blobs with evil faces and sneering mouths. Constantly conspiring, laughing maniacally at each new symptom or malady they unleash. I imagine that is probably what my 48 year old eggs look like now, too, or at least I’m counting on it, because if there was an egg that decided to cooperate and accept a persistent visitor, the evil

hormones have won, because I’m done. Gone. In the asylum. Missing. Don’t come look for me. Unless you’re the person with whom I have an “agreement” should this scenario actually ever play out. You know who you are.……… I’ll be waiting in the getaway car.

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