I'm effing exhausted. And I'm effing tired of being effing exhausted. I just got back from a delightful vacation with the bestie to celebrate her 50th, and we had an
absolute blast. Now I'm back to reality, and I'm literally exhausted after only a total of seven business days. I did not move from my bed this weekend, until today. I stayed in bed, napping and alternating a heating pad over all the areas that hurt, and felt guilty for lying there, and assumed I was being judged for lying there, but was too exhausted to do anything about it.
Today, I was determined to Just. Get. Up. And I did. I took the 17 year old child driving, which you'd think would make one be extra awake, yet I scuffled through Target like a zombie willing my eyes to stay open and my body to keep dragging along, leaning on the cart for support. I've googled extreme fatigue - because of course I have - and I've deduced that I'm either suffering from burnout, side effects of my lifelong chronic anxiety, side effects of menopause, or one of multiple types of fatal diseases. I've never been this tired in my life. Well, maybe when the kids didn't sleep for like a year after they entered the world - but that doesn't count.
Then I start thinking about this year. Hell, the past almost three years. Pandemic. Mother/Stepmother of two teenagers and two twenty-one year old boys who moved out of the house in December. Job change per the request of our CEO, followed by an unexpected promotion (second job change in the course of about about four months) where I dove in headfirst by helping start up two brand new programs in the company (one being the first of its kind in Kentucky - no pressure) on about a six month timeline - both on the same timeline. Then there's perimenopause, and the multiple orthopedic issues that won't leave me alone so I can just exercise to get rid of some of this stress. Crucial conversations at work and home. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one willing to have the hard discussions, and then there is no change as a result, which sucks and makes it feel like a lot of stress for what? So I can say at least I did the right thing or "at least I tried?" Sometimes I think doing the right thing is overrated.
Did I mention four kids and all the stuff that goes with that? Oh, and marriage, because that's an easy one. Did I mention completely out of control hormones? And -my childhood home is finally being sold this month and it's hitting me in a way I didn't anticipate. Feels so - final. It's the last part of my mom to go, and that feels devastating all over again. I'm also worried about some friends who are struggling through some major health shit, to put it mildly. Every time I turn around, I'm hit with news of someone I care about being forced to go through truly terrifying circumstances. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop as I sit around googling why I'm exhausted and don't feel well most of the time.
So yeah, I'm not sure why I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll figure it out soon. Until then, I'll keep plodding along until either my body completely gives out, or I figure out how to balance it all while taking care of myself at the same time. Anyone feel me out there, or am I the only one? I have a feeling I know the answer, yet it would help to hear I'm not alone.